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February 3, 2013

Cinemapocalypse: Simon Says

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Written by: Scott Meador
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SimonSaysPoster

Crispin Glover has had a strange history with movies. His most well known performance was as George McFly in the first Back to the Future movie. Most people don’t know, or don’t realize, that he ONLY appeared in the first movie. He and the producers had issues, and he was essentially taken off the film and replaced by himself, through previous footage and obfuscation. I bring this up because he plays two characters in the film Simon Says, and they both should have been replaced with previous footage of Glover.

Simon Says 

Stanley and Simon are twins, and they are both a bit… special. On a camping trip with their parents, Stanley and Simon discover the wonders of smoking pot. Being already of “special needs” the twins freak out in equally over-dramatic ways. Simon says that he is going to get his parents high, and Stanley kills him. Stanley then goes on to kill his parents as well.

Flash forward some number of unknown years (probably 15-20) and inside the van of a group of teens on their way to go fishing (or camping, or pan handling for gold). The usual gang is here: the promiscuous girl, the prude, the cute couple, and the stoner. The kids are all looking forward to their respective movie tropes, which include sex, running, reading, and of course, smoking out. However they make the mistake of stopping at a run down store for “supplies”. Here is where they meet “Simon” and Stanley. Yes, both. Someone makes a crack about Simon being crazy/mentally-handicapped and he subsequently snaps.

From this point on, Simon and Stanley now actively hunt the kids. No real reason is given, but they want them dead in the worst way. Usually eviscerated in some completely improbably and impossible way by old school miner tools. As the movie begins to circle the bowl to the end, the audience is basically told that Stanley killed Simon and adopted his persona. So instead of two pretty crazy brothers, there is just one completely INSANE country bumpkin.

Crispin Glover has never really been a great actor, and this movie does nothing to disprove this. Glover uses one of, if not the worst country accents I have heard in recent memory. The other stereotypes in this movie are so over the top, it’s borderline annoying. The stoner literally smokes weed through the ENTIRE MOVIE. His death is even caused by smokin’ out. The others are just as dumb, that “not even worth it to explain them” dumb.

The time that this movie spends to really try and sell the “Simon Says” gimmick is immeasurable. It works maybe once. Simon/Stanley has taken the time to set up elaborate traps and weapons all throughout the forest, but why? Was he just waiting for a group of teens to come by so he can finally test them out? There is a scene in which he is bombarding the kids with flying pick-axes and other tools and there must have been thousands of them (digitally) flying around. That’s a LOT of work. It just makes no sense why he would do this.

By the very end of the movie, Simon/Stanley has captured one of the girls and, apparently, not only locked her in the crawlspace that is 20ft deep but knocked her up AND delivered two healthy children. Now, I realize that the movie is going for the “Oh look, the crazy twin has just had sex with a girl and now there will be another set of twins” play, but come on. Credits roll and there is yet another “stinger”. The closing scene is Stanley peering into the crawlspace telling the girl to be quiet or something, and Simon (yes, a second Crispin Glover) shows up and says “You didn’t say Simon Says.” So basically the movie spent forty five minutes to an hour convincing us there were two of them. Then it turned it around and said, nah there was only one. Only to close by saying “fuck that, there WERE two of them.”

Simon Says eat a big bag of dicks, movie.



About the Author

Scott Meador
I am a game addict, as anyone that knows me will tell you. I have been playing games since my parents got an Atari 2600 (old school woody) and haven't stopped since. Currently I fancy myself a freelance writer and amateur podcast/website host. I have been trying to hone my skills in both gaming and writing in order to achieve the perfect mesh between the two. I am happily married, and am in the midst of raising my son to be better than me in every way. I love my life and wouldn't trade it for the world.