What’s the opposite of getting our expectations too high?
You’ve probably heard the news: Nintendo is hosting a big, new Direct today. What will we get? BOTW2’s full name? Metroid Prime 4? Mother 3? Switch Pro? There are a lot of rumors and hopes and dreams running rampant right now in the lead up, but we probably need to scale those back. It’s very easy to get out of touch with reality with our expectations, and Nintendo seems to always be the one that falls victim to our imaginations.
Instead of getting our hopes up going in, what if we crush them early on? What would the opposite of a great Nintendo Direct actually be? We thought it would be *fun* to be the ultimate wet blanket and give our ideas for the worst case, most boring possible Nintendo Direct topics. So without further ado, here are some hopeful ideas for the what would kill any momentum for today’s event!
DIRECT BEGINS
MARIO MOVIE
- Opens on Chris Pratt facing the camera. “I’m so happy to introduce the first trailer for the Super Mario Bros movie! Grab your pizzas and mushrooms and here we go, my fellow goombas!”
- The trailer shows a movie purely designed around the New Super Mario Bros aesthetic, completely in side-scrolling, with Mario jumping on turtle shells collecting coins. “Let’s-a go!” we hear, but Mario falls into a pit and dies. “Mama mia!” Game Over flashes on the screen and the view pans out to reveal Chris Pratt as Chris Pratt, IRL, playing New Super Mario Bros Wii with his kids. As he stands up to grab a slice of pizza, he slips on a banana peel that someone accidentally left on the ground and he falls backward, twirling into the TV set and zapped into the game. He’s now Mario, wearing his hat and overalls, and stands facing some of the turtles and enemies he just killed. “Oh cra–” the screen fades to black, then the words “Super Mario Bros: The Search for F.L.U.D.D.” are revealed on the screen. “Coming Spring 2023”
KIRBY
- The new Kirby trailer plays. It’s a “reimagining of Kirby.” It is in 3D, but on-rails. Kirby travels along branching paths. He can jump and fly, but it’s an endless runner style game. KIRBY VR revealed as a new mode, will use an updated LABO VR. Will let people suck in enemies in their actual mouths by wearing a special cardboard mouthpiece using two Joy-Cons over their lips. “Please give us a bit more time to make this product great because of this new VR mode.” Kirby delayed to second half of 2022.
REMAKE 1: WII MUSIC DELUXE
- The classic is back! In a surprise move, Wii Music Deluxe will arrive on Switch in March to take Kirby’s place. All new public domain music has been added, like “Sweet Georgia Brown” by Ben Bernie and “Anybody Here Want To Try My Cabbage” by “Fats” Waller. It will only be available packaged with new themed Joy-Con that are Galactic Black (very glossy black with sparkles).
MARIO PARTY SUPERSTARS
- We thank the fans for all of the great fun they’re having with Mario Party Superstars! We would like to announce some great DLC coming to the game! New courses will arrive based on Mario Party 9 and 10! This means that to make things more cohesive, the full game will now be playable only in the team cart mode. We hope you enjoy this great news! The DLC will be available… TONIGHT!
- *But will not be playable online.
METROID NEWS
- Thank you for the great reception to the latest game in the Metroid series! As you may recall, August 2021 marked the 35th anniversary of Metroid. We would like to continue the celebration with a special downloadable calendar and wallpaper on MyNintendo! Please enjoy!
BOTW2
- Eiji Aonuma appears on screen. “Hello! We hope you are as excited about all of the great announcements today. We would like to speak about the development of BOTW sequel. We are working on great new technology, and therefore we will need a bit more time to complete the experience. We hope you understand. However, we would like to leave you with this special video.”
- A video plays showing a close-up of link’s eyes blinking. The words “Sequel to Breath of the Wild” appear across the screen. Then, darkness falls over his face. His eyes open wildly. The words begin to blur, before finally changing to.. BREATH OF THE WILD 2. This will be the official name. “Coming Soon”
MARIO KART
- A special new Mario Kart logo appears on screen. “We can confirm that a new Mario Kart game is in production!” We hear wheels squealing and an engine roaring. A view of a track pans down. In the distance we see a red and white vehicle. Wait, it’s not just a kart, it’s Toad! Zooms in on Toad’s smiling face. “Featuring a great new technology we are calling NINTENDO FUNGIBLE TOADKENS! Think of them as the next evolution of Amiibo”
- Mario Kart Toad Road will be a Free To Start game on the Switch. All players will begin with Toad and can unlock more versions of Toad by playing and trading Toads with friends. The characters will be NFTs and accessible via the QUESTION BLOCKCHAIN CHOMP, a new technology Nintendo is piloting which will become a new Expansion Pack tier for Nintendo Online. Toads can be carried over into other games with cars, like Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Mario Kart Live, and Mario Kart Tour on mobile. MKTR will be available in the Fall.
AMIIBO
- There will not be a Sora amiibo for Smash Ultimate.
- The Animal Crossing amiibo will be reissued!
REMAKE 2: ANIMAL CROSSING AMIIBO FESTIVAL
- The popular Wii U game is FINALLY getting ported to Nintendo Switch! It arrives this Summer with a playable CRASH BANDICOOT!
PRODUCT UPDATES
- Bayonetta 3 is “coming along well” and “we hope to show more information soon” as an updated logo is displayed
- Triangle Strategy is due next month. A new demo is available today!
- Tetris 99 will be closing on June 6. Thank you to all of the fans!
- Please stay tuned for more Splatoon 3 information later this year. To celebrate the upcoming game’s release, a special Splatfest will take place in Splatoon 2 in May: Do you choose Team Cake or Team Pie?
- Advance Wars 1+2 video shows updated visuals. “We have heard the feedback from fans, and are now going to utilize the exciting art style of New Super Mario Bros U!”
ONE MORE SURPRISE…
- Two people walk into a kitchen. Both grab a pan. One begins to flip pancakes. The other stares and then also begins to flip pancakes. The pans & pancakes morph into Joy-Cons. Announcing the exciting sequel to 1-2 Switch… 1-2-3 SWITCH! Coming this June, exclusively to Nintendo Switch!
END OF PRESENTATION.